KFC Fans Mourn as World Teeters on the Edge of Collapse
As news of KFC’s defection from Kentucky spread, loyal customers were left reeling. Some took…
KFC Fans Mourn as World Teeters on the Edge of Collapse
As news of KFC’s defection from Kentucky spread, loyal customers were left reeling. Some took to social media to express their despair, with one heartbroken fan posting, “First Pluto gets demoted, now this? Nothing is sacred.” Religious leaders issued statements urging calm, while conspiracy theorists scrambled to connect the move to the Bermuda Triangle. In…
Waffle House Denies Involvement in 100,000-Egg Heist, But Their Alibi is Toast
In a shocking turn of events, the nation’s most infamous late-night eatery has found itself at the center of an egg-stremely suspicious crime. After 100,000 eggs vanished from a Pennsylvania distribution trailer, authorities have been left scrambling for answers. And while Waffle House claims they had nothing to do with it, some are starting to…
Denmark Passes Historic Bill to Buy California, But Citizens Worry It’s ‘Too Expensive’ and ‘A Bit Much’
COPENHAGEN – In a bold legislative move, Denmark’s Parliament has officially passed a bill to purchase California, citing the need for more sunshine, coastline, and world-class avocado toast. The measure, passed in response to President Trump’s bid to buy Greenland, was dubbed the “Golden State Acquisition Act,” and was approved by a wide margin—though some…
Ornithologists Warn: Hummingbirds Plotting World Domination—Are You Ready for Your Tiny Overlords?
For years, we’ve admired hummingbirds for their dazzling colors and lightning-fast wing beats. But according to ornithologists, we may have underestimated them. The recent discovery of a hummingbird hive in Ecuador’s High Andes has experts issuing a dire warning: Hummingbirds are organizing. “This isn’t just communal roosting,” said Dr. Juan Luis Bouzat, nervously adjusting his…
Ohio Lawmakers Propose Bill to Criminalize Unprotected Sex—Nation’s Single Men Rise Up in Protest
COLUMBUS, OH—A controversial new bill introduced in Ohio is sending shockwaves through the nation, as lawmakers push to make unprotected sex a felony unless it’s for the express purpose of making a baby. The “Conception Begins at Erection Act” would impose harsh penalties on men who “discharge genetic material recklessly,” with only a few narrow…
Emperor Palpatine Endorses Trump’s Unitary Executive Theory: “Unlimited Power Is the Only Way”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking yet unsurprising development, Emperor Sheev Palpatine of the Galactic Empire has officially endorsed President Donald Trump’s embrace of the unitary executive theory, calling it a “long-overdue step toward true stability and order.” “This is how democracy dies—to thunderous applause,” Palpatine said in a special message transmitted from the Outer…
Alaska Officials Welcome Climate Refugees: “No AC Needed, Just Watch for Bears!”
As the rest of the planet boils in an unprecedented climate catastrophe, one region is seeing nothing but opportunity—Alaska. State officials are rolling out the welcome mat for those fleeing scorching temperatures, touting the Last Frontier’s “naturally cool climate” and promising a heatwave-free future (at least for the next few years). “We’ve been saying for…
Defense Secretary Declares “Code Red” on Wallpaper Disaster, Requests $200K in Emergency Upgrades
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning display of bureaucratic urgency, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has requested a whopping $200,000 in taxpayer funds for a series of “critical” improvements to his military family housing, citing “dire, life-threatening aesthetic concerns.” Among the most pressing issues? A $50,000 “emergency” paint job to ensure the walls of his…
Chickens Declare Nationwide Strike, Accuse Big Egg of Price Gouging and Unfair Labor Practices
In a move that has sent shockwaves through the agricultural sector, chickens have organized under a new union, United Chicken Workers of America (UCWA) and have announced an unprecedented nationwide strike, citing poor working conditions, low wages, poor quality chicken feed and what they call “systematic exploitation by Big Egg.” The move comes as egg…
Vampires Unite in Groundbreaking Effort to Develop Artificial Blood
In an unprecedented collaboration between the medical community and the world’s vampire population, a new initiative seeks to revolutionize both modern medicine and the age-old struggles of the undead. Scientists and vampire representatives announced this week that they are working together to develop synthetic blood, a breakthrough that could not only bolster global blood supplies…
- 1
- 2
