WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning display of bureaucratic urgency, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has requested a whopping $200,000 in taxpayer funds for a series of “critical” improvements to his military family housing, citing “dire, life-threatening aesthetic concerns.” Among the most pressing issues? A $50,000 “emergency” paint job to ensure the walls of his…
In a bold effort to combat climate change, several progressive states have passed new legislation making it a misdemeanor offense to be born. The landmark laws, hailed by environmental activists and disoriented philosophy majors alike, will require all newborns to face sentencing by the time they reach kindergarten. Punishment: One Year of Tree Planting and…
In a shocking turn of events, the nation’s most infamous late-night eatery has found itself at the center of an egg-stremely suspicious crime. After 100,000 eggs vanished from a Pennsylvania distribution trailer, authorities have been left scrambling for answers. And while Waffle House claims they had nothing to do with it, some are starting to…
COLUMBUS, OH—A controversial new bill introduced in Ohio is sending shockwaves through the nation, as lawmakers push to make unprotected sex a felony unless it’s for the express purpose of making a baby. The “Conception Begins at Erection Act” would impose harsh penalties on men who “discharge genetic material recklessly,” with only a few narrow…
NUUK, GREENLAND – Thousands of Democrats who fled the United States for Greenland after Donald Trump’s election victory are now facing an existential crisis as reports emerge that Trump is in negotiations to purchase the icy island. “I just got settled in! I traded my Tesla for a dogsled and learned how to say ‘help,…
VERONA, ITALY – In a stunning proclamation that has left theologians, music critics, and confused fans reeling, Cardinal Giuseppe Bellantonio of Verona has officially declared American pop star Madonna a “Perpetual Virgin” worthy of veneration. The 87-year-old cardinal, known for his devotion to sacred texts and his aversion to modern music, made the declaration during…
As news of KFC’s defection from Kentucky spread, loyal customers were left reeling. Some took to social media to express their despair, with one heartbroken fan posting, “First Pluto gets demoted, now this? Nothing is sacred.” Religious leaders issued statements urging calm, while conspiracy theorists scrambled to connect the move to the Bermuda Triangle. In…
As the rest of the planet boils in an unprecedented climate catastrophe, one region is seeing nothing but opportunity—Alaska. State officials are rolling out the welcome mat for those fleeing scorching temperatures, touting the Last Frontier’s “naturally cool climate” and promising a heatwave-free future (at least for the next few years). “We’ve been saying for…
In a move that has sent shockwaves through the agricultural sector, chickens have organized under a new union, United Chicken Workers of America (UCWA) and have announced an unprecedented nationwide strike, citing poor working conditions, low wages, poor quality chicken feed and what they call “systematic exploitation by Big Egg.” The move comes as egg…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking yet unsurprising development, Emperor Sheev Palpatine of the Galactic Empire has officially endorsed President Donald Trump’s embrace of the unitary executive theory, calling it a “long-overdue step toward true stability and order.” “This is how democracy dies—to thunderous applause,” Palpatine said in a special message transmitted from the Outer…
