As news of KFC’s defection from Kentucky spread, loyal customers were left reeling. Some took to social media to express their despair, with one heartbroken fan posting, “First Pluto gets demoted, now this? Nothing is sacred.”
Religious leaders issued statements urging calm, while conspiracy theorists scrambled to connect the move to the Bermuda Triangle. In Kentucky, distressed citizens gathered at local KFCs, clutching buckets of Original Recipe like life rafts in a storm. “We never thought we’d see this day,” sobbed one man, dipping a drumstick into mashed potatoes with a trembling hand.
The most shocking development, however, came from an emergency séance held in Louisville. With a flickering candle and a gravy-stained Ouija board, a local medium claimed to channel the indignant spirit of Colonel Harland Sanders himself. Witnesses reported hearing ghostly mutterings of “Texas?! Over my crispy-fried body!” before the lights flickered ominously and a single biscuit was hurled across the room by unseen forces.
As the connection strengthened, the Colonel’s voice grew louder, his southern drawl dripping with rage. “If I knew this would happen, I would’ve kept my secret recipe to myself! Eleven herbs and spices wasted on a company that don’t even respect the name Kentucky!” he bellowed from the great beyond.
Spectators gasped as a ghostly bucket of chicken manifested in mid-air, only to plummet to the floor, its crispy contents scattering in protest. The séance abruptly ended when the medium collapsed, whispering her final message from the Colonel: “Tell ‘em they’re messin’ with forces they don’t understand. And tell ‘em their biscuits are drier than a Texas summer.”
While Yum! Brands insists the move is for “growth and efficiency,” the damage has already been done. With KFC abandoning Kentucky, the very fabric of reality is unraveling. If Taco Bell ever closes, civilization as we know it will cease to exist.
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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment purposes only. While it references real individuals, the events, quotes, and scenarios described are entirely fictional and not to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to actual events or real-life actions is purely coincidental.
