In what can only be described as a mild inconvenience to the human race, scientists have slightly increased the odds of asteroid 2024 YR4 striking Earth in 2032. Previously boasting a laughable 1-in-83 chance of impact, the newly adjusted probability has skyrocketed to a much more thrilling 1-in-43. While astrophysicists insist this is still nothing to worry about—considering the 97.7% chance that the rock will breeze past us like an uninterested Tinder match—one group remains excited about the prospects of planetary doom: The Sacred Order of Celestial Reckoning, a doomsday cult headquartered in the barren deserts of Nevada.
“We Have Been Waiting for This!”
In an exclusive interview, the cult’s leader, High Prophet Zane Thunderlight (formerly known as Greg Thompson from Reno), expressed unparalleled enthusiasm about the asteroid’s newly updated threat level.
“This is it,” Thunderlight said, stroking his meticulously unkempt beard. “We have been warning the world for decades that the cosmic harbinger of doom would arrive, and now, finally, we have an asteroid with a 2.3% chance of impact. Those are the best odds we’ve seen since 1999!”
According to Thunderlight, the Sacred Order of Celestial Reckoning has been preparing for this moment by stockpiling supplies, meditating under the full moon, and issuing stern “We told you so” statements to local news stations. The group’s core philosophy is based on a mix of misinterpreted Mayan prophecies, outdated Y2K survival manuals, and a firm belief that the universe communicates exclusively through static on AM radio.
“Act Now Before It’s Too Late!”
Capitalizing on this once-in-a-lifetime (but probably not) opportunity, the Order is now offering an exclusive Two-for-One Doomsday Membership Special.
“For only $999.99, couples can secure their place in our asteroid-resistant bunker,” Thunderlight explained. “That’s half the price of what we charged during the 2012 Mayan apocalypse that didn’t happen! Plus, if you join within the next 72 hours, you’ll receive a complimentary ‘End is Nigh’ starter kit, complete with a tinfoil hat, a signed copy of my manifesto Rocks From the Sky: A Guide to Cosmic Catastrophe, and a free coupon for a colonic detox. Because what’s the point of planetary extinction if you’re full of toxins?”
Scientists Remain Skeptical
NASA, as expected, is urging people not to panic—or in this case, not to get their hopes up. “At this point, we’d bet on winning the lottery before an asteroid this small does any serious damage,” said Dr. Elaine Peterson, an astrophysicist at NASA’s Near-Earth Object Program. “Also, we’d really like people to stop calling our office to ask if they should quit their jobs and join a bunker in Nevada. The answer is no. Always no.”
Still, the members of the Sacred Order remain hopeful. “People laughed at us when we sold all our belongings before Y2K,” Thunderlight reminisced. “And they laughed again when we built a bunker for the 2012 apocalypse. But this time… this time, they will see.”
With only seven years left until the asteroid’s potential arrival, the Order is actively recruiting new members. “Join now,” Thunderlight urged. “Before science ruins this one for us, too.”
Sign Up Today!
For those looking to embrace the cosmic inevitable, membership applications can be sent via carrier pigeon, encoded dream messages, or through their new website, which will probably be taken down by authorities within a week.
But hurry—because the world might end soon! (But probably not.)
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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment purposes only. The events, quotes, and characters described are fictional and not to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or real events is purely coincidental.
