ATLANTA— In a last-ditch effort to salvage its plummeting ratings, CNN management has announced a groundbreaking strategy: resurrecting the legendary, stone-faced actor Jack Webb to helm a new primetime news program. Executives at the struggling network believe Webb’s signature deadpan delivery—famed for its “Just the facts, ma’am” approach—will restore trust in mainstream media and recapture disillusioned viewers.
“With trust in the media at an all-time low, we realized we needed a no-nonsense figure to tell the news like it is,” said CNN President Mark Thompson in a press conference. “And who better than Jack Webb, the original straight shooter? Thanks to cutting-edge necromantic technology and some spare parts from Larry King’s old studio setup, we’re bringing him back.”
The network has promised that Webb’s nightly broadcast, titled Dragnet: The News, will feature a radically stripped-down aesthetic. The show will take place in a bare, dimly lit studio with only a desk, a chair, a microphone, and a pack of Lucky Strikes positioned just within reach. There will be no flashy graphics, no chirpy banter, and absolutely no panel discussions featuring political consultants shouting over each other.
“Viewers have had enough of the performative outrage, the hyperactive graphics, and the talking heads spewing spin,” said Thompson. “Jack Webb will deliver the headlines with the same steely resolve that made Dragnet a classic—except this time, instead of busting perps in Los Angeles, he’s busting misleading narratives.”
According to sources inside CNN, the network is already testing out Webb’s deep, measured cadence in its AI voice generators to ensure seamless delivery of phrases like “The economy remains volatile. That’s it. Good night.” and “Political scandal in Washington. You already knew that. Let’s move on.”
To ensure full authenticity, CNN has struck a deal with Philip Morris to prominently feature a slowly burning Lucky Strike on Webb’s desk during each broadcast. “Our target audience appreciates a little nostalgia,” explained CNN’s new executive producer for the project. “We considered letting him smoke on air, but apparently, even resurrected anchors have to follow modern regulations.”
Media analysts are split on whether this bold pivot will actually work. Some believe Webb’s no-frills, fact-driven style may be just what America needs in an era of distrust. Others worry that a resurrected 1950s cop drama star might be a tough sell for an audience that has been conditioned to expect emotional, pundit-fueled chaos.
Still, CNN remains optimistic. If Dragnet: The News succeeds, sources indicate the network is considering an expansion of its undead anchor lineup, with Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite next in line for potential reanimation.
“We’re not just bringing back credibility,” said Thompson. “We’re bringing back the dead—because, frankly, the living aren’t cutting it.”
Dragnet: The News is set to premiere this fall, pending successful final-stage testing of Webb’s vocal resurrection module. The tagline? ‘Just the facts. No spin. No life.’
