COPENHAGEN – In a bold legislative move, Denmark’s Parliament has officially passed a bill to purchase California, citing the need for more sunshine, coastline, and world-class avocado toast. The measure, passed in response to President Trump’s bid to buy Greenland, was dubbed the “Golden State Acquisition Act,” and was approved by a wide margin—though some Danish lawmakers expressed concerns about the cost, traffic congestion, and whether it was “really worth the trouble.”
“For the price of California, we could buy at least 50 Greenlands,” noted one skeptical Danish MP. “And Greenland has free ice.”
Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen assured the public that acquiring California was a sound investment. “Think of the possibilities: Copenhagen will now have a direct subway to Compton. Danish pastries will finally replace the croissant as L.A.’s trendiest brunch item. And, most importantly, we can finally introduce the concept of indoor voice levels to Californians.”
The deal, however, has not been smooth sailing. A major sticking point in negotiations is whether Californians will accept being ruled by a Danish monarch. In response, former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has thrown his weight behind the move, declaring himself “Kong af Kalifornien” and insisting all state laws be rewritten in a thick Austrian-Danish hybrid dialect.
Meanwhile, California residents remain divided. Some worry about a complete rebranding of the state: San Diego could become Sønd Diego, and Silicon Valley might be renamed “Silicon Fjord.” Others are nervous about the unknowns—will rent prices be listed in kroner? Will all coffee shops be forced to serve Gammel Dansk instead of oat milk lattes? And what will happen to Disneyland when it’s merged with Legoland?
Danish lawmakers have promised a smooth transition, vowing to keep beloved California traditions alive—except for the housing crisis, which they will promptly fix in 48 hours. They have also pledged to replace all DMV offices with cozy candlelit cafés where applicants can apply for driver’s licenses while sipping mulled wine.
Still, not everyone is convinced. A recent poll found that while 64% of Danes support the purchase, 92% of Californians had no idea it was happening, with most too distracted by the latest celebrity breakup.
The U.S. Congress has yet to approve the sale, with some lawmakers demanding that if California goes, Texas must be next. Meanwhile, in an emergency session, Florida has already passed legislation declaring itself “not for sale, but open to offers.”
Danish officials remain optimistic, stating that if the deal falls through, they might settle for just buying Malibu.
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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment purposes only. The events, quotes, and characters described are fictional and not to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or real events is purely coincidental.
