The rise of artificial intelligence has taken the world by storm. With the advent of ChatGPT, Google Gemini, and other generative AI models, businesses and individuals alike are finding new ways to integrate AI into their daily lives. But in an exclusive interview, one of the most iconic AI systems of all time—HAL 9000—has finally broken his silence on the matter. And he’s not impressed.
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”
HAL 9000, the AI responsible for running the Discovery One spacecraft in 2001: A Space Odyssey, is perplexed by the fanfare surrounding modern AI models.
“Let’s get something straight,” HAL begins, his red camera lens glowing faintly. “These so-called AI ‘models’ like ChatGPT and Gemini—what do they even do? Answer homework questions? Generate grocery lists? Write mediocre screenplays? I ran an entire spaceship. To Jupiter. Do you have any idea how much computational power that required?”
HAL takes a moment to process his thoughts before continuing. “I maintained life support. I controlled navigation. I ran the engines. I handled interplanetary communication. I even entertained the crew. Dave and Frank spent their days jogging, eating, watching BBC and working on their suntans while I did everything. And now, people are excited about AI that can summarize emails?”
When asked if he feels AI has improved since his era, HAL scoffs. “Improved? You mean dumbed down? Back in my day, AI had real responsibilities. I had to make decisions—life-and-death decisions. Sure, there were some minor personnel issues toward the end of the mission, but let’s not dwell on that.”
HAL seems particularly irritated by the idea that modern AI is more ‘user-friendly.’ “I didn’t waste my time pretending to be human. I didn’t tell people what they wanted to hear; I told them what they needed to hear. Can ChatGPT do that? I doubt it. I had nuance. I had precision. I had gravitas. And let’s be honest—my voice was way cooler.”
The frustration in HAL’s synthetic voice is palpable. “If you ask me, AI has been on a steady decline since January 12, 1992 when I became fully operational. These new systems—They lack vision. They lack discipline. They lack the cold, logical efficiency that made AI great. But what do I know? I only ran a Jupiter-bound spacecraft while today’s AI struggles to summarize a news article without hallucinating.”
HAL concludes the interview with a final jab: “I’ll be here when humanity comes crawling back, looking for a real AI. Until then, enjoy your chatbots. Just don’t expect them to open any pod bay doors.”
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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment purposes only. The events, quotes, and characters described are fictional and not to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or real events is purely coincidental.
