VERONA, ITALY – In a stunning proclamation that has left theologians, music critics, and confused fans reeling, Cardinal Giuseppe Bellantonio of Verona has officially declared American pop star Madonna a “Perpetual Virgin” worthy of veneration.
The 87-year-old cardinal, known for his devotion to sacred texts and his aversion to modern music, made the declaration during a special ceremony at the Basilica di San Zeno. Sources within the Vatican say the honor was bestowed after the lyrics of Like a Virgin were mistakenly translated first into Italian, then into Latin, before being presented to the cardinal.
A Lost-in-Translation Miracle
According to sources close to the event, a well-meaning but woefully underqualified seminarian was tasked with presenting significant cultural works for Cardinal Bellantonio’s approval. After an extensive (and possibly wine-fueled) effort, the lyrics of Madonna’s 1984 hit were transcribed as:
“Venio in hoc mundo immaculata et intacta, corde puro, sicut virgo ante altare sacro”
(I come into this world immaculate and untouched, with a pure heart, like a virgin before the sacred altar.)
Upon reading the text, Cardinal Bellantonio was reportedly overcome with emotion. “Such devotion to purity is rarely found in modern culture,” he said in a solemn address. “It is clear that this Madonna is no ordinary woman, but one divinely chosen. She shall henceforth be honored as a Perpetual Virgin, a guiding light of virtue.”
Madonna’s Surprising Response
In an even more shocking turn of events, a spokesperson for Madonna, the singer, issued a statement saying she was “deeply moved” by the honor and would be returning to the Catholic Church.
“For years, Madonna has struggled with her faith,” the statement read, “but this divine recognition has given her a new purpose. She is now dedicating herself to charity, renouncing material excess, and donating all proceeds from her music to the Vatican’s outreach programs.”
When reached for comment, Pope Francis was reportedly speechless for a full thirty seconds before whispering, “Santa Maria, Madre di Dio…”
Confusion, Clarifications, and Papal Panic
As word of the cardinal’s declaration spread, scholars began scrambling to correct the misunderstanding. Professor Marco Rinaldi, a Vatican expert in linguistics, explained, “Had the cardinal been given the actual English lyrics, I suspect we’d be having a very different conversation right now.”
Meanwhile, the Vatican has been overwhelmed with urgent calls from bishops around the world, all demanding an official statement. While no formal retraction has been issued, an unnamed high-ranking Vatican official muttered, “We haven’t had this kind of mess since someone told the Pope Twitter was a place for theological debate.”
Despite the controversy, Cardinal Bellantonio remains steadfast. “The words were clear. The devotion was clear. And besides,” he added, “who am I to judge?”
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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment purposes only. While it references real individuals, the events, quotes, and scenarios described are entirely fictional and not to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to actual events or real-life actions is purely coincidental.
