San Francisco, CA – In a bold and unprecedented move, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has announced that she will be placed in cryogenic suspension until Democrats regain control of Congress, ensuring her political legacy remains intact for centuries to come.
At a hastily arranged press conference outside her San Francisco home, Pelosi, 86, declared, “Democracy is at stake, and I refuse to step aside just because of ‘time.’ If the American people won’t elect a Democratic House today, I will simply wait them out. I have all the time in the world—literally.”
A Prime Spot Next to Walt Disney
Pelosi’s campaign team has confirmed that she has secured a premier cryogenic chamber at EternaCorp, an elite, secretive cryogenic preservation facility known for storing “important historical figures and exceptionally wealthy people who refuse to accept mortality.”
“Speaker Pelosi has been granted a prime location in our Preservation Wing,” said Dr. Gerald Magnus, National Director of EternaCorp. “She will be placed next to Walt Disney and, for an additional fee, will have a state-of-the-art Dreamscape package that allows her to rehearse future House floor speeches while suspended.”
Pelosi’s family reportedly negotiated a special “Congressional Reawakening Clause” in her contract, which ensures she will be thawed and reanimated the moment Democrats regain a House majority. “This is bigger than one election cycle,” said a Pelosi spokesperson. “We have secured a long-term strategic vision—whether it takes two years or two centuries.”
AOC’s Former Chief of Staff Responds
The announcement comes just days after Saikat Chakrabarti, former chief of staff for Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, declared his intention to challenge Pelosi in the 2026 Democratic primary.
Reached for comment, Chakrabarti seemed puzzled by the Speaker Emeritus’ strategy. “I mean, that’s certainly… one way to respond to a primary challenge,” he said. “But I have to wonder if San Francisco voters would prefer a representative who is, you know, conscious.”
Still, Pelosi’s longtime supporters remain undeterred. “Nancy has outlasted every challenger she’s ever faced,” said one longtime Democratic strategist. “If it takes waiting until 2145 to reclaim the gavel, then so be it.”
Republicans Consider Their Own Cryogenic Strategy
In response to Pelosi’s announcement, unnamed Republican insiders have allegedly begun discussing a similar strategy. Reports indicate that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has been in touch with cryogenic scientists to explore the possibility of entering suspended animation until filibuster-proof GOP control is secured.
“We’re looking into it,” said one GOP strategist. “It might be the only way to keep McConnell’s current speaking pace from getting any slower.”
Meanwhile, EternaCorp has confirmed that if Pelosi’s suspension is successful, they will consider offering Lifetime Leadership Packages for other political figures. Early applicants reportedly include Sen. Bernie Sanders, who has requested a chamber set to “automatically unfreeze in the event of a socialist revolution,” and Donald Trump, who has inquired about a chamber “with gold trim, premium tanning lights, and direct access to Truth Social.”
For now, Speaker Emeritus Pelosi’s cryogenic pod is set to activate the moment Republicans take control of the House in 2026. Whether she will return in two years or two hundred remains to be seen—but one thing is certain: her political career is truly frozen in time.
