COLUMBUS, OH—A controversial new bill introduced in Ohio is sending shockwaves through the nation, as lawmakers push to make unprotected sex a felony unless it’s for the express purpose of making a baby.
The “Conception Begins at Erection Act” would impose harsh penalties on men who “discharge genetic material recklessly,” with only a few narrow exceptions. But while some are debating the constitutionality of criminalizing male pleasure, a far more pressing issue has emerged: the nation’s single men are furious.
“This is an attack on people like me—men who aspire to unprotected sex but aren’t currently in a position to commit the crime,” said Dale “BigDawg” Remington, 37, who joined thousands of other single men in an impassioned protest outside the Ohio State Capitol.
The group, self-identified as “The Brotherhood of the Dry Spell,” carried signs with messages like “CAN’T BREAK THE LAW IF NO ONE WILL LET ME” and “I’D RISK A FELONY IF I HAD THE CHANCE.”
One protester, Chad Brinkman, 32, held back tears as he confessed to reporters, “I’ve been law-abiding my whole life. Not by choice, but still.”
The bill, sponsored by Rep. Anita Somani (D-Hell Hath No Fury) and Tristan Rader (D-Your Worst Nightmare), is meant to highlight the hypocrisy of reproductive laws that regulate women’s bodies. However, it has inadvertently sparked a nationwide crisis among men who aren’t even eligible for prosecution.
“I’m tired of the government telling me what I wouldn’t be allowed to do if I could do it,” shouted Kevin “The Kevster” Malone, 28, adjusting his “Virginity Is Not a Crime” T-shirt.
Meanwhile, conservative lawmakers scrambled to counter the bill by drafting emergency legislation: The “If I Ain’t Gettin’ Any, Nobody Is” Act, which would mandate state-sponsored celibacy until marriage.
At press time, the Brotherhood of the Dry Spell was seen chanting “MAKE US CRIMINALS! MAKE US CRIMINALS!” outside a local bar, where women continued to ignore them.
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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment purposes only. While it references real individuals, the events, quotes, and scenarios described are entirely fictional and not to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to actual events or real-life actions is purely coincidental.
