NUUK, GREENLAND – Thousands of Democrats who fled the United States for Greenland after Donald Trump’s election victory are now facing an existential crisis as reports emerge that Trump is in negotiations to purchase the icy island.
“I just got settled in! I traded my Tesla for a dogsled and learned how to say ‘help, I’m freezing’ in Greenlandic,” sobbed Ethan Fairchild, a former Brooklyn barista who fled the U.S. in protest. “Now, Trump is coming here too? Is there no escape?!”
Many expatriates saw Greenland as their last refuge—a remote, untouched paradise where they could enjoy universal healthcare, unproblematic seafood, and the ability to say they lived in a place most Americans couldn’t find on a map. But now, with Trump reportedly offering to buy Greenland “at a steep discount,” their sanctuary has turned into a snow-covered prison.
“We thought we were safe,” lamented Hannah Whitmore, a former San Francisco yoga instructor. “We laughed at all those people who joked about moving to Canada. We went further. We went full Greenland. But now… we might as well have moved to Florida!”
Sources inside the Greenlandic government say local officials are divided on the sale. Some see it as an economic opportunity, while others worry about potential Trump Tower Ice Resorts popping up on the icebergs.
Trump himself confirmed the negotiations in a statement, saying, “Greenland is tremendous. We love Greenland. Great people, really fantastic ice. Best ice in the world. I’m the only one who can buy it. Obama never bought an island. Sad.”
For the Democrats who fled, there’s only one question left: Where to go next? “We’re thinking Antarctica,” said Zachary Pembroke, a former Seattle tech worker. “It’s colder, but at least we know Trump doesn’t want it… yet.”
