WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold and unconventional policy proposal, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced his plan to combat America’s addiction to ultra-processed foods by issuing a government-subsidized dairy cow to every tax-paying citizen. The initiative, which he calls the “Pasture to People Plan,” is, according to Kennedy, the only way to ensure “real food for real Americans.”
“We’ve let Big Food poison us with plastic cheese and fake milk for too long,” Kennedy declared at a town hall, while standing next to a visibly distressed Holstein cow. “The solution is simple: every family gets a cow. You milk it, you drink it, and you churn your own butter like the Founding Fathers intended.”
Kennedy, who has recently pivoted from vaccine skepticism to dairy evangelism, insists that Americans have been systematically weakened by corporate food interests. “They want you eating lab-grown sludge so you’re too tired to fight back,” he warned, before pausing to take a dramatic sip from an unlabeled glass of what he claimed was “pure, unpasteurized, freedom milk.”
The plan, while ambitious, raises logistical concerns. When asked about urban residents who lack the space for a full-sized dairy cow, Kennedy was unfazed. “People are adaptable,” he said. “There’s plenty of space in parking garages, abandoned malls, even studio apartments if you’re willing to be creative.” He went on to suggest that the cows could also serve as “emotional support animals” for stressed-out city dwellers.
The proposal has received mixed reactions. Nutritionists are skeptical, economists are alarmed, and dairy farmers are utterly confused. However, Kennedy remains undeterred. “This is about sovereignty. This is about bodily autonomy. If you control the milk, you control your destiny,” he proclaimed, pounding the podium for emphasis.
As for the funding, Kennedy believes the plan will pay for itself. “We’ll cut out subsidies to Big Cereal, redirect funds from the Pentagon’s UFO investigation unit, and maybe even print a little extra money. No one will notice.”
When pressed on whether he personally owns and milks a cow, Kennedy hesitated before responding, “I don’t need to. I’m genetically immune to processed food damage.”
The White House has yet to comment, though sources say staffers have already begun stockpiling Lactaid in case the proposal gains traction.
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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment purposes only. While it references real individuals, the events, quotes, and scenarios described are entirely fictional and not to be taken seriously. Any resemblance to actual events or real-life actions is purely coincidental.
