In a bold effort to combat climate change, several progressive states have passed new legislation making it a misdemeanor offense to be born. The landmark laws, hailed by environmental activists and disoriented philosophy majors alike, will require all newborns to face sentencing by the time they reach kindergarten.
Punishment: One Year of Tree Planting and a $5,000 Fine
Under the new “Personal Carbon Accountability Act,” every person born within state lines will be required to spend a year planting trees in atonement for their ecological sins. Additionally, a $5,000 fine will be levied against each newborn, which, due to their obvious financial limitations, will be taken from their college savings accounts or future Venmo balances.
“We can no longer afford to ignore the carbon footprint of human existence,” said Governor Gavin Featherwood of California. “Each new person is essentially an environmental felony waiting to happen. This is just common sense policy.”
Critics Sound the Alarm on ‘Cradle to Prison Pipeline’
While climate advocates have cheered the new law, some social justice warriors have taken issue with what they call the “Cradle to Prison Pipeline.” Karen Witherspoon, an activist and founder of “Womb Justice Now!” expressed outrage at what she sees as systemic discrimination against those who didn’t ask to be born in the first place.
“We have a system where people are being punished for simply existing!” Witherspoon said at a press conference. “Where does it end? Will we be ticketing toddlers for breathing too much air? Arresting third graders for having the audacity to grow? This is a war on the innocent!”
A Self-Sustaining System
Proponents of the law insist that the tree-planting initiative will eventually make up for the impact of each person’s carbon footprint—assuming they never drive, eat meat, or inhale too deeply.
“We project that by 2045, all citizens will be able to neutralize their impact completely through forced labor and economic penalties,” said Dr. Emil Grasswood, head of the Environmental Ethics Consortium. “With some additional taxation, we may even allow firstborns partial amnesty.”
At press time, several states were considering even tougher measures, including requiring expectant mothers to file an Environmental Impact Statement before delivery. Some are also considering “Born without a permit” laws that will punish Mothers who fail to register their pregnancies with a fine of $5000 and a mandatory re-education course on reducing your carbon footprint. The future remains uncertain, but one thing is clear—being born has never been riskier.
