NUUK, GREENLAND – Thousands of Democrats who fled the United States for Greenland after Donald Trump’s election victory are now facing an existential crisis as reports emerge that Trump is in negotiations to purchase the icy island. “I just got settled in! I traded my Tesla for a dogsled and learned how to say ‘help,…
San Francisco, CA – In a bold and unprecedented move, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has announced that she will be placed in cryogenic suspension until Democrats regain control of Congress, ensuring her political legacy remains intact for centuries to come. At a hastily arranged press conference outside her San Francisco home, Pelosi, 86, declared,…
In what can only be described as a mild inconvenience to the human race, scientists have slightly increased the odds of asteroid 2024 YR4 striking Earth in 2032. Previously boasting a laughable 1-in-83 chance of impact, the newly adjusted probability has skyrocketed to a much more thrilling 1-in-43. While astrophysicists insist this is still nothing…
COPENHAGEN – In a bold legislative move, Denmark’s Parliament has officially passed a bill to purchase California, citing the need for more sunshine, coastline, and world-class avocado toast. The measure, passed in response to President Trump’s bid to buy Greenland, was dubbed the “Golden State Acquisition Act,” and was approved by a wide margin—though some…
In a bold effort to combat climate change, several progressive states have passed new legislation making it a misdemeanor offense to be born. The landmark laws, hailed by environmental activists and disoriented philosophy majors alike, will require all newborns to face sentencing by the time they reach kindergarten. Punishment: One Year of Tree Planting and…
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning display of bureaucratic urgency, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has requested a whopping $200,000 in taxpayer funds for a series of “critical” improvements to his military family housing, citing “dire, life-threatening aesthetic concerns.” Among the most pressing issues? A $50,000 “emergency” paint job to ensure the walls of his…
ATLANTA— In a last-ditch effort to salvage its plummeting ratings, CNN management has announced a groundbreaking strategy: resurrecting the legendary, stone-faced actor Jack Webb to helm a new primetime news program. Executives at the struggling network believe Webb’s signature deadpan delivery—famed for its “Just the facts, ma’am” approach—will restore trust in mainstream media and recapture…
The rise of artificial intelligence has taken the world by storm. With the advent of ChatGPT, Google Gemini, and other generative AI models, businesses and individuals alike are finding new ways to integrate AI into their daily lives. But in an exclusive interview, one of the most iconic AI systems of all time—HAL 9000—has finally…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold and unconventional policy proposal, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced his plan to combat America’s addiction to ultra-processed foods by issuing a government-subsidized dairy cow to every tax-paying citizen. The initiative, which he calls the “Pasture to People Plan,” is, according to Kennedy, the only way to ensure “real…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking yet unsurprising development, Emperor Sheev Palpatine of the Galactic Empire has officially endorsed President Donald Trump’s embrace of the unitary executive theory, calling it a “long-overdue step toward true stability and order.” “This is how democracy dies—to thunderous applause,” Palpatine said in a special message transmitted from the Outer…
